So do I, Ms. Feverfew. So do I.

Dear Ms. Feverfew –

I can’t tell how incredibly tempting it is to “friend” you on facebook…it seems like such a nice easy way to ease back into us, don’t you agree? But I am waaaaaay to chicken to ever do anything that…brave, crazy, audacious. I can only imagine the tizzy it would put your adoptive parents into and I don’t want to do anything to upset them.

But some days, I sit there with the mouse pointer hovering over the button while my sane, logical side is screaming at me to DO NOT CLICK SEND while my mushy, lovey, mommy side is longing to do it just this once.

I also think it is really cool that people can find you on google – it is how I found you, after all. The first time was purely an accident. Sort of. After years of googling your name to just “see what I could find”, I stumbled across a local [to your neck of the woods] band’s myspace page & found a post by [insert your first name here] from [insert your hometown here]. On a hunch, I followed that link back several generations and the rest, as they say, is history.

To be frankly honest, when I first saw the pictures you had posted, I had a complete and utter come apart. Coincide Jeff called me about 10 minutes later and all I could do was sob uncontrollably, with complete abandon and very little time for inhaling. He thought something horrible had happened – my mom had died, his sister had taken a turn for the worse with her cancer treatments, one of the boys was in the hospital. He kept asking, guessing all kinds of horrible things because I could not talk.

I am still not sure how he deciphered my incoherent, guttural sobs from the far side of the globe on a thin, scratchy satellite phone connection with a 2 second delay. Once he was assured that everyone was OK and no one was dead or in the hospital, he told me how “cool” he thought it was and that I should be happy I had found you again.

That night…oh dear, it was like loosing you all over again. So he was also right when he thought something horrible had happened. Just many, many, many years before that night.

I called my mom at 10:30 p.m. after I got off the phone with Jeff and somehow managed to let her know I absolutely needed her to come to my house right then. I think I said something to the lines of “Boo-Bear” (my nickname for you) and “pictures” and “need you now.” Not sure how she deciphered that either. To her everlasting credit, she came to my house even though it was the dead of winter in Cache Valley. I know that was hard for her to do but I am so grateful she did. At Jeff’s urging, I also called my Bishop (L. Shirk – gotta get his name in here so I never forget it!) and asked if he could come over to give me a blessing. I could hardly talk on the phone and when he got there, my mom had to tell him what was wrong because I simply could not find the words. Bless him for putting on a shirt and tie and going out on such a bitter night there in Logan.

I don’t think I ever fully regained my voice that night – my mom finally went home around 2:00 a.m and I collapsed into bed shortly there after. I didn’t go to school for a day or two – it was just too much for me. Eventually, I was able to find some equilibrium again but ever since that night, it has never been the same between you and I.

 

Next Post

Dear Ms. Feverfew –

Not much to say today, except that this last week was Homecoming there at your school & I was wondering if you went, if you had fun, what your dress looked like, who your date was…those kinds of details. Or maybe you didn’t go (I know I certainly missed my fair share of school dances!!!) and you stayed home instead. If that’s the case, what did you do? Did you watch your favorite movies instead? Gosh…what are your favorite movies?

It’s strange for me to think that you are about the same age I was when my world started to unravel, when the center simply could not hold any longer. Even though it was the summer between my junior & senior year that my sister died in a horrible car accident there on I-15, I was only 16 at the time – just about your age. Her funeral was held on the first day of my senior year. Lets just say things just went down hill from there. That’s the same time that all of the abuse crap from my bio-father came out, the same time my younger sisters went off the deep end with drugs and alcohol, the same time my mother started accusing me of being a whore & telling me the only reason a man would ever date me was to “get into my pants.” That’s the same time period I decided school was just too much for me and so I dropped out, even though I only had less than a semester left and a 3.85 GPA. That’s the time period my neighbor who happened to be the Relief Society presidents son and was 29 at the time (I was 16), raped me and when I told my Bishop, he disfellowshipped me and didn’t let me graduate from seminary because I wasn’t “worthy.”

Wow, looking back at that, it’s a wonder that I survived at all. I certainly hope that your senior year is a little more peaceful than mine. Perhaps this was one of the driving forces for my heart-wrenching decision to place you for adoption.

At that time, I could not conceive of ever being able to provide a life that had a different story than mine and I thought I was protecting you from all of that. I know differently now – I know that I am a damn good mother and could have protected you from many of the evils I had to face. I didn’t know that then though. I didn’t know at that time I could protect you from my biological father. Since I have had the chance to parent Captain Knuckle & The Good Professor, I know now¬† I can because I do on a daily basis.

Maybe someday I will get to tell you how sorry I am for not trusting myself more but for now I have to take solace in the fact that I am doing what I can with what I have.

Much love,

M.