That Sound?

Dear Ms. Feverfew –

Despite what it appears from this blog, I actually do have a life that is full of love and laughter. Two of my loves are running around the house right now, squealing with delight as they chase each other with cars. As I have said before, these letters I write are a small sliver of my life, a bass note in the symphony of my life.

But…but then there are moments like the one I just had less than five minutes ago. I happened across a picture of you when you were almost the exact same age as Poppy is right now and…

Well, any mother who has lost a child to adoption knows how that sentence ends. Sharp  tears rush to my eyes even as I type this. My gut constricts. My breathing is shallow.

You look just like her. She looks just like you. You both look like me. The two of you are sisters. The two of you are my daughters. Damn our DNA. Damn this shitty adoption and all the lies I believed back when I was 20 years old.

Today, I am righteously and understandably pissed at what adoption has done to my children, to my lovely daughters who will forever be un-sisters. Today, I am so angry at the LDS church and its scorched-earth teachings that say this is beautiful, this is love, this is God’s plan.

If THIS is love, then it is the love of the cruelest kind. If this is God’s plan, then I reject that mean, miserly god who decrees that my family wasn’t “enough,” who decrees I am not “enough.”

And that sound? It is the sound of my heart breaking into a million little pieces all over again as adoption drives home the message that me, Matthew, Luke, and Poppy will never qualify as “real,” especially in the eyes of the LDS religion and culture.


4 thoughts on “That Sound?

  1. i respect and agree with the focus on family that the church promotes, but they are completely wrong in their support of adoption and would be better off helping unmarried mothers. i’m just glad you’re not one of the LDS girls who give up their babies and totally buy into it and talk about how happy they are, because that breaks my heart more than anything else.

  2. I absolutely LOVE your analogy of the “bass note in the symphony”…….absolutely LOVE it. I get so annoyed when people think that I walk around ALL day long, 7 days a week being angry and sad and grief filled. They may catch me in a tough moment from time to time, but in general I am happy. But when the wave hits, it does indeed knock the breath right out of my lungs.

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