Dear Person who Found This Blog Using the Search Phrase “do people get over giving their babies up for adoption”:
I hope these letters answer your question.
In short, no.*
People don’t “get over” giving their babies to strangers. Yes, many of us learn to live – and make no mistake about it – LIVE WELL – with the ongoing ambiguous loss, but we don’t “get over” it any more than a mother would “get over” losing their child to death. We go on to have peaceful, productive, and in some cases, exceptional lives, but we don’t “get over” our lost child.
In fact, not only does a person not “get over” it, but the adoption industry is now beginning to tacitly acknowledge that unlike a mother who lost a child to death in infancy, the surrendering/relinquishing/”placing” mother will mostly likely need lifelong counseling services. Stop and think about that for a moment: Life. Long. Counseling. To me, that indicates giving a baby up for adoption has a negative Life. Long. Effect. on a person. Some adoption agencies, such as LDSFS, offer it for FREE to those who give their babies to qualified couples. Three cheers for tithing & fast offering dollars hard at work in the LDS/Mormon church, eh? Essentially, the agencies offering free lifetime counseling are saying, “Give these more qualified (read: rich, educated, frequently white) people your baby and in return, you get heartache and grief for which you will need counseling for the rest of your life.” Sounds like a pretty fair trade, doesn’t it?
I highly suggest you visit Cassi’s excellent blog, Adoption Truth (http://www.adoption-truth.com/). On the right hand side, she has a blogroll that will lead you to many other sources to verify what I have said here. And might I make one more suggestion? A parallel, and equally important, question you may consider asking is, “do people ever get over being given up for adoption as a baby?” The answer you find to that particular question will most likely be as complex as the answer to your original question.
Warmest regards –
* Of course, I have to add an addendum. There are SOME people who do “get over” giving a baby away to strangers, but I posit they are in the very smallest of minorities. I acknowledge there are some serial breeders out there who seem hell-bent on producing and then abandoning as many babies as possible. I get it. They are out there.
There are also some very vocal birth mothers who actively recruit women into this sisterhood and will tell you how totally *AWESOME* it is to give your baby to strangers and how they felt like they were doing God’s work and it was all about love, and they made the unselfish decision, and they didn’t give their baby “up” but gave them “more”…but most of them are recent “placements,” many of them in “open” adoptions. As such, they are still less than eight or so years post adoption-loss, which is when research has shown most women start awakening from the adoption fog/anesthesia. Since their loss is still so fresh, the full effect of what it means in their lives may not have taken hold yet. Additionally, they are frequently in a relationship with the adoptive parents which necessitates they not speak out about any pain they might have as it would jeopardize their ability to see their relinquished child. Honestly, I worry about those mothers the most – the younger ones who are stridently and joyously vocal about their adoption “experience.” Eventually, in the quiet moments of their lives, the facade will begin to crack and their grief will begin to seep out. I’ve seen it happen time and time again, as recently as a few weeks ago. Not only will they have to come face to face with the same ambiguous loss and grief the “rest” of us mothers have had to learn to live with, but they will also have to answer for their responsibility in convincing fellow mothers to voluntarily give her baby away to someone else. As hard as it has been for me to come out of the adoption anesthesia over the past few years, at least I don’t have that weighing on my soul as well.