Dear Folks Who Have Been Pointed To My Blog By BaileysMom:
It seems that BaileysMom was doing some research, landed on my blog, and was offended by some of the things I have written here in these letters. I am hoping I can take a few moments of your time and clarify a few things to which BaileysMom took exception.
Is anyone familiar with Mormans or groups of people who protest against adoption? ~ BaileysMom
Yes, I am very familiar with the “Mormans” [sic] , more commonly known as members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I happen to be a card carrying member of the organization, go to church every Sunday, and am generally known to be of fairly good character within the church.
Unfortunately, I do not know of any groups that protest against adoption, per se, but against unethical practices and sealed records. If any are interested, leave me a comment and I will connect you with these groups – they are full of adoptees, first parents AND adoptive parents who are all working together to set the adoption-ship aright.
there should not be any DBM letters because adoption should not exist ~ BaileysMom
Yes, it’s true. I said that. However, did you go on to finish reading what I wrote? That instead of using what many first/natural mothers feel is a deragatory term akin to calling an African American the n-word, perhaps you might want to consider addressing the letter using the phrase “Dear Expectant Mother.” Lest readers are not aware, “BM” is medical short hand for “bowel movement.” I can’t speak for all people out there, but I would hazard a guess most people don’t feel honored or respected when they are called the equivalent of a pile of shoot.
Here’s what I DID say about writing one of those letters:
If a potential adoptive parent is truly intent on having an “ethical” (not sure any adoptions in the US are ethical as so much money changes hands, but that’s another discussion for another time), perhaps they shouldn’t waste the time or effort agonizing over a “Dear Birthmother” letter. Instead, perhaps they should write a letter to a mother who is considering adoption. When they write it, they should be COMPLETELY honest. They should show integrity and not make promises they aren’t willing to keep FOREVER, not just when it is convenient or easy for them. ~ M.
Here’s another thing BaileysMom believes I said/feel:
and all women who give up babies for adoption are forced into it. ~ BaileysMom
Never said that. I am fully aware there are some who enter into adoption with their eyes wide open, especially now in the age of the Interweb, where information is more readily available than 10 years ago. However, I do believe there are a large number of mothers, even today, who are not given ALL OF THE FACTS as to the long-term affect adoption may have on their child, their future children, their future relationships, or to their own psyche.
These people think adoption is just wrong. ~ BaileysMom
Never said that either. I think coerced adoptions are wrong. I think adoption is wrong when adoptive parents mislead an expectant mother about their desired level of openness and then reneg on their agreement. I think money changing hands to buy children is wrong. I think the child trafficking which occurs in many foreign adoptions is wrong. I think sealed records are wrong. I think children who age out of the foster care system because they have been passed over for healthy, white infants is wrong.
But I do not think ALL adoption is wrong. Heck, I am an adopted person myself. My step-father adopted me.
Let me emphatically and clearly state: Adoption can be, and is, a beautiful thing WHEN IT IS NEEDED. In cases of abuse, neglect, or drug abuse, adoption can be a beautiful thing for the child.
It has nothing to do with open records, they think it should not happen. ~ BaileysMom
Once again, never said that. I only wish that perhaps potential adoptive couples might explore the not-so-rainbow issues as well, their ethics and motivations, and make sure they are ONLY adopting children who need homes, not artificial orphans (if you don’t know to what I am referring by that comment, then you need to do more reading).
I don’t understand it. ~ BaileysMom
You are new to adoption as a prospective adoptive parent. Please, take the time to read and educate yourself instead of jumping to conclusions.
Their view is adoptive parents are bad people. ~ BaileysMom
Once again, never said that either. In fact, some of the most amazing people I know are adoptive parents, Monica English being one of them. (Yes Monica, calling you out on this by name because I think you are an incredible mother of every stripe). The parents who adopted my daughter are incredible people and I will gladly take anyone to task who says differently. I go to church with adoptive parents and I love them. I admire them. I appreciate their tireless work to help those of us who have been disenfranchised in the adoption transaction find our voices. Because of their courage to confront the ugly underbelly of adoption, I have found my backbone.
So we are all bad people becasue we cannot bear children? ~ BaileysMom
No, you are not all bad people because you can’t have children. I have never said that and I never will. Trust me, I know what it is like to want a child but to have a body that will not cooperate. I have nothing but the deepest of sympathies for women who cannot get pregnant or can’t carry a child to term – my heart aches for them. But, infertility does not automatically mean a woman is entitled to some other person’s child, simply because that “other” might be young or poor.
But enough about what I am not or didn’t say. Here is what I am for:
- I am for ending the practice of falsifying information on governmental documents
- I am for ethical, moral, and compassionate adoption practices
- I am for adoption reform, which includes but is not limited to adoptee’s being given back the access to their original unaltered birth records with NO limitations
- I am for adoptive parents keeping their word to the women who made them parents in the first place
- I am for honest dialogue between the members of the adoption constellation
- I am for increased education and research about the long-term affects of adoption on first/natural families and adoptees
- I am for children who TRULY NEED A HOME finding a home with loving parents
- I am for eliminating the coercive practices currently used by organizations such as the NCFA and LDSFS.
- I am for using respectful language when it comes to first/natural mothers, i.e., don’t use the short-hand for bowel movement when referring to them
- I am for family preservation, every time, whenever possible (and I freely acknowledge it is not always possible)
I hope some of you coming from Adoptive Families Circle might be able to read these letters I have written with an open mind and an open heart. Perhaps you will find something useful in them.