Dear Ms. Feverfew –
Recently, Jenna over at “The Chronicles of Munchkinland” wrote a blog post about the harsh ways many first mothers are judged and how it leads to hypervigilant parenting practices for our subsequent children.
As I read the post, all I could do was sit there and nod in agreement and say, “Yup.” If a person wants verification of how adoption has turned me in to a helicopter parent and morphed me into an individual who is hyper-critical of EVERY mistake and misstep I make as a parent, even itty-bitty ones like waking Captain Knuckle up for early morning seminary at 5:22 a.m. on a day when he didn’t have it – just ask my kids. Any of them. I not only drive the helicopter-parent bus, I own the whole damn fleet.
The only defense I have is I did not know better and NO ONE was willing to tell me the truth of how harmful unnecessary adoptions are on the relinquished child and on their mothers. And make no mistake about it – your adoption was completely and entirely unnecessary. In fact, many people in my life were **actively** complicit in hiding the Truth of what adoption would do to both of us. Even to this day, they still cannot or will not admit the lies and half-truths I was told 20 years ago.
II thought I was protecting you from the “horrible, terrible, no-good, wretched life” of being raised by a single mother. I had been brainwashed since I was young that adoption was a “loving option,” that it was “all about love,” that being raised by a single mother WAS abusive and cruel and would bring long-term harm to you.
I now know better. I now know my “decision” was based entirely on falsehoods and misrepresentations and outright manipulation. Imagine my horror at awakening to the carnage of what I had done. It has taken me nearly two decades of therapy and “work” to forgive myself.
One of the ways I actively work on the forgiveness is to release the iron-tight grip I have on my children, to let them be kids instead of always feeling like I need to prove my worthiness as a person through my parenting outcomes. Sometimes I do better at it than others, but I am a work in progress.