About JS: Why I Apologized & Why I Made the Original Post Private

  1. It was the right thing to do. Sure, I didn’t technically “have” to do it, but I did it anyway. Love it or hate it, it is what it is.  I still stand by my original message: Adoptees matter and parents involved in an adoption need to be ever mindful of their language.
  2. Jessalynn and I have been in communication privately. That’s all that needs to be said about that.
  3. The original post and all of the comments remain in its entirety. I have no plans of deleting or editing it. However, it is not available for public consumption. As I told Jessalynn, “Our words must stand or fall of their own accord. What unfolded in the comments section of that blog post is an important part of the record. What I said in the original post is an important part of the record, even if I did handle it like a bull in a china shop.”

As stated in my last post to Jessalynn, this is not about any one “winning.” My apology to her does not mean she wins, her changing her profile does not mean I win. It isn’t a contest, it is about doing what is right for all of our children.

Linda, Kara, Christina, Joy, Jenn, Amanda, Liz, Emily, Whit, Melanie, Laura, Julie, Von, Jeff, Jennifer, and all of the other adoptees who have been so fierce with the truth: Thank you for teaching me what is right.

23 thoughts on “About JS: Why I Apologized & Why I Made the Original Post Private

  1. Kudos to you. Particularly for this portion “I unleashed on you the ire I have towards…”

    I feel that this happens alot in adoption blog land and few of the offenders can readily admit they are doing that let alone be aware of it. i see adoptees attacking mothers and adoptees, mothers attacking adoptees and other mothers, blah blah blah. So often I feel the rage is misdirected.

    I dont know the backstory here but I dont have to. Impressed with your self awareness and ability to own up to your “shadow” (as I have been rambling on about shadows lately).

  2. I don’t think this is a matter of right or wrong but a matter of each individuals own situation. I do not doubt the loss you feel for your first daughter nor that the feelings you have towards LDSFS or other situations in the church are untrue but with that I also do not doubt that their is happiness in Jessa’s story.

    Just as it is completely possible for their to be sadness and despair in adoption it is also completely possible for there to be happiness. Jessa is not some brainwashed monkey. I don’t come here to stand up for her though, for she can do that on her own. I come to stand up for myself as a fellow birth mother and for the right to feel good about my choice of placing my daughter for adoption.

    It’s unfair to ridicule those who put a positive spin on their story just as it is unfair for others to ridicule you for having a not so positive one. We are each entitled to our own feelings and beliefs. Isn’t that what the gospel teaches? Isn’t this why we have the atonement… To choose for ourselves and feel entitled to have our agency! It’s not as if we are blinded by the “feel goods” the church teaches. I can see the truth when I see it.

    I was not brainwashed into placing my daughter for adoption and in all the happiness it has brought into my life I won’t pretend that there haven’t been scars either. It does hurt and heaven knows that I have my bad days but in the end I can come out and say that FOR ME, it was the right choice and in no way did I lose.

    I appreciate your apology to J but do t try to tell her she’s list something when in her own heart she feels happiness. Her situation is her own. As is mine. As is yours.

      • Your sarcasm is amusing. I’m sorry for your loss. This could have been a great opportunity to learn from one another but instead you choose to mock me. So glad we are “sisters in the gospel”.

      • Me too, Amanda. It is so wonderful to know you and I share the same values. I am sorry you chose to interpret that as mocking you. I guess it is beyond you to believe that I might be glad it worked so well for you. Unfortunately, your proselytizing serves no purpose as I have nothing to learn from it other than that you are peaceful and happy and will never regret giving your baby away to strangers. If I wanted to “learn” that, I would go hang out at my local LDSFS offices or over on the blogs you guest post on. Thanks but no thanks, sweetie.

      • And about being “sisters” in the gospel. Perhaps you can take that up with the “sisters” who called me an “internet bitch,” a “bitter old woman,”, and accused me of having “no life.” Or the ones who threatened to “report” me to my Bishop (Hey, Bishop! Just giving you a shout out since you read this blog and we are in close communication about the matters of which I write). Or how about the ones who threatened to disrupt my daughters life by tracking her down and “exposing” me for the “horrible person” I am? Now THAT is some awesome sisterly love. Yeah, I went after J. fairly hard BUT I have not tracked down her daughter, her daughter’s adoptive family, called her bishop, and whatever else you “sisters” have concocted to do to try to “take me down.” What a great opportunity to learn from one another, eh?

    • I don’t know how else to take your first response to my comment other than as mocking. Everything about it implies that you are, but I am sorry for assuming the wrong.

      I in now way have anything to do with what you call Jessa’s “attack dogs”, and agree entirely that the behavior some of them have chosen to take is completely wrong. Just as I felt it wasn’t right for there to be an attack on J there is no right for there to be an attack on you. I think I stated above that it is never okay for anyone to hurt others just because they have different beliefs. The actions that have been taken by some are in no way good exempts as “sisters” and it breaks my heart that this thing has gotten so out of hand. Sure we all mumble under our breath about the things we wish we could do or the actions we take, but it’s an entirely different thing to act upon them. I know an apology from me does not fix anything, but I sincerely apologize for their behavior and for anything that may has come off as offense towards you from me.

      I sincerely believe that this is an opportunity to learn from one another. Obviously I don’t know you personally and I am not asking for an invite to, but you don’t know me either and so very much you don’t know my story. Yes I may guest blog occasionally and put out there the feelings of my heart in hopes that it might help another or show them a different side of what can be a very ugly situation BUT I don’t state ALL the facts. However I do allow others to ask me more if they are curious. If I wrote my entire story every time I guest blogged no one would want to read it because it would be a million pages long.

      I did not place my little girl with strangers. Call them that if you will, but that just shows how much you don’t know my story. Again…an opportunity to learn. While reading through your blog (out of the whole J ordeal), I have found some very interesting things and would love to inquire but I fear that now you would only take me as “attacking” you or “mocking” you in return.

      I not once called you heartless, or said you have no life. Just because others have, it does not put me in that category. I do not stand behind those words. I could have wrote this reply to you personally so that it wasn’t out there for others to see, but instead I am writing it here to stand behind my words.

      Yes I am hurt by several things that were said and in many ways do no understand your feelings towards adoption but how can I if I have never talked to you about anything more than how hurtful things have come across? I’m not going to pretend like there isn’t some bitterness but I’m also not going to look down on you as though I’m better just because our stories are different. Again, I sincerely believe that this is an opportunity to learn from one another. Perhaps now I have to go as specific as saying “you and I” as opposed to you thinking I want you to learn from the group you associate me with.

      Yes I feel I very much have a positive adoption story but I also have a negative one. I just choose to voice the happiness that it has brought in my life because for me, it has been overwhelmed with blessings. But I have also had my trials and my times of anger and through other trials in my life I have seen all sides of the adoption world. I do not pretend as though it doesn’t exist.

      I don’t believe it is beyond belief for you to be happy for me. I don’t think you are an evil person. Yes I am confused at your attack on Jessa but as you’ve stated in your apology, you took out on her what was years of what you wanted to take out on others. We are human. I would be lying if I wouldn’t say I haven’t lashed my wrath out on some random bystander just because they happened to be readily available. I am by no means perfect.

      Again I am sorry for the actions that some have chosen to take in this situation and I hope that different action will be taken to get it to stop. I never meant to attack you but to rather voice my feelings on the situation and hope to come to some sort of “peace”. I know we will never come to agreement but even with all the other “koolaid” drinkers I know, I won’t ever be in complete agreement with them either. Every story is different and with each different story I think we can learn.

      If you’d like to get to know me and my story more, I would love the opportunity to learn from you. I mean this sincerely. You have my email.

  3. Thanks Melynda, is only all could be as honest and open to learning new ways and new information.It is often difficult to criticise the wrongs of adoption without appearing to criticise the individual. I don’t see why those who are blatant in their perpetuation of harmful myths should not be called out when they do it knowingly and with intent.

      • Or perhaps none at all. Why is it necessary for ‘good’ people to be so judgemental, so rude and to engage in such name-calling? Often when we give our views about adoption it is about the system which is unethical, lacks any moral sense of what is right and is not necessarily the best thing for children.Those who come in with the very personal remarks seem to lack other answers.

    • Whoever the people are, they are strangers to the infant. And it is unlikely that they are bosom buddies or people whom you know intimately. Having just returned from a weekend with my first family: my mother, my uncle, and cousins, it just felt and smelled right. It was easy. Uncomplicated. I am 42. I couldn’t make this up if I tried.

      I love my adoptive family, but they are in many ways still strangers to me.

  4. Thank you Melynda. And Jessalynn, thank you for keeping the lines of communication open with Melynda. When it’s all said and done, we, meaning adoptees and Mothers, are the ones who are most affected in all of this. Adoption begins with loss. It is painful. We can all help and learn from each other’s losses and try to get through it the best we can. ❤

  5. The most important thing is having meaningful exchange; if that happened between M and Jessalynn, then good. If Jessalynn can see that her words might be hurtful to her first daughter (I said MIGHT!), then constructive communication occurred out of this. Whether Jessalynn would have listened to the privately recounted advice of *one* first mother, worded politely, or simply have shrugged it off, is something we’ll never know.

    I cannot question what M feels is right for her to do in terms of apologizing; I certainly understand being triggered on the topic of adoption. I also feel protective of M. I want her to know that I love her and will stand with her; I respect her immensely. I greatly appreciate all the effort she goes to in order to make sure that adult adoptees aren’t silenced or overlooked. So few first parents listen to and respect us.

  6. Melynda,

    I don’t know what happened but wanted to say you rock and I will always support you.

    Chin up and keep fighting the good fight. I have to say it would bother me to be the one not kept and have my mother think that it was a blessing – have a good life – absolutely – but blessed? No.

  7. Sledgehammers are useful tools, the only problem I see with them, is people will respond in kind. So you have to ready to take some lumps too. I have seen that girl you were referring to and have yet to see a redeeming quality. I have boundaries, I always like to say, I will forgive you if your are stupid OR cruel but I draw the line at both. She really shines as an example of the negative stereotype of Mormon women.

    @ Von, I respectfully disagree. The high road sounds nice on paper but it is not effective. Look at the way the world is run. As Viktor Frankl said of Auschwitz, “Know that the best of us did not survive”.

    I care a lot more about freedom from oppression for children than I do about a sallow snot’s ego gone wild. I am sure she is happy she gave away her baby, there are women like that, that simply don’t care for their children.

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