When a Day Turns into Ten

Dear Ms. Feverfew –

The malaise that settled over me a week or so ago is still here and I can’t seem to shake it. All my normal tricks aren’t working. If I am not exceptionally vigilant, I burst into tears at inopportune times and spend a lot of time weeping. After holding it together for nearly 19 years, I can’t do it any more. I want you back, even more now than when I signed that damn paperwork. And this wanting leaves me absolutely crushed because I know it cannot be so.

Yes, I have learned to live with it most of the time, but sometimes I can’t live with it. This is one of those times.


10 thoughts on “When a Day Turns into Ten

  1. Oh M – we have all been there and somedays I am still in that same place. I want everything back, the memories, the raising of my child, bringing home my second child and not ptretending he is my first, I want it all. I want to look at my children and not see the pain that adoption has brought to all of them. ((Hugs)) be gentle on yourself.

    • Thank you, Jeannette. It helps knowing there is someone out there who knows what it is like to walk through this valley. I get *so* tired of well meaning members of the LDS church just telling me to pray more or serve more or DO something more and then it won’t hurt as bad.

      I have tried that for nearly two decades now…it isn’t helping.

  2. I so wish that I couldn’t relate to this, but I’ve been there too. I’m so sorry! I can only suggest that you let it all out, because holding it in makes it worse. I’ve found that it will find its way out somehow anyway. I never feel bad about crying any more, because being separated from your baby is a terrible tragedy that needs to be properly grieved. Hang in there. You’re not alone!

    • Thank you, Eileen. I think I should purchase stock in the company that manufactures Kleenex. I hope that soon all these tears will stop – or at least stop flowing so constantly.

  3. I’m so sorry Melynda. There are no words of comfort I can likely offer except to say that I, like many others, care very much and acknowledge your pain and your right to it.

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