I found a therapist here in the area. She seems like a perfectly lovely woman and very compassionate. I have met with her two times now and things seemed to be going well until the end of the last session. She said some things that bothered me but I didn’t want to be over-reactionary and so I have spent a few days mulling over how I feel about them and what it means for my therapeutic relationship with her.
To start with, she is married to another therapist who happens to be an adoptee. This is good, I thought. Perhaps this will help her understand my perspective a bit. Her husband was one of five children adopted through Catholic Charities into the same family. Uh-oh. Catholic Charities? It isn’t that I have any problem with Catholics at all, but Catholic Charities has a pretty terrible legacy when it comes to natural mothers. But still, just because her husband was adopted through Catholic Charities doesn’t mean she views me through the same lens that Catholic Charity does. When the siblings in her husband’s family all told their adoptive parents they wanted to find their “birth families” the adoptive parents were “supportive.” OK – this is good. Perhaps she has witnessed what adoption does to families and can help me?
As we were wrapping up this last session, she said to me, “Melynda, aren’t you grateful things have turned out how they have? I mean, both of you have such good lives. Maybe you should talk to my husband – he’s got a great perspective on this.”
She went on to say, “I mean, perhaps it was for the best that things happened how they did.”
I looked her dead in the eye and said, “Angela, I will never be grateful for what happened to me and my daughter, for what it has done to my other children and my relationships with my extended family. Losing my daughter to adoption was not ‘for the best’ and I will never believe that it was ‘for the best.’ ”
“Well, aren’t you grateful she was raised what appears to be a good home?”
“Yes, of course I am grateful for that but she should have been with me and my family. I have a good home, too. There was no reason for her not to be with me other than the fact my culture dictated it.”
Do I really need to be spending $90 a week to have someone tell me I should be grateful for adoption? I already have 13+ million members of the LDS church telling me that for free. I could totally use that $90 and hour each week to get a facial or a pedi/mani instead, you know?
I have an appointment next Wednesday at 10:00 a.m. At this point, I am still going to go so she can have a chance to redeem and explain herself. She really does seem like a well-meaning person and perhaps with a little education on my part she can become the kind of therapist I need but…but that won’t happen if she is firmly entrenched in the “miracle and blessing” thinking of adoption. And I don’t think talking with her husband would be all that helpful, but perhaps it would. I don’t know. What do you think?
At any rate, I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving weekend with your family. You were missed here, as always.