The Original UnMother

Dear Ms. Feverfew –

“An objective observer who had no idea that I am a birth mother would call me a “good mother.” But those who know me best, such as my husband and my daughters, know better. They know that I have always felt like an imposter, like the original unmother…Losing my firstborn to adoption has broken me, like a fine porcelain vase, into a zillion shards. It’s going to take the rest of my life to find and glue all those pieces together again. But even then, I will never be the same mother, “good” or “bad,” to any of my children, that I would have been, had I mothered each one of my babies.” ~ in Confessions of a Lost Mother

This putting the zillion shards of my soul back together again? It is a difficult and delicate task. Treacherous.  I am worried I won’t find all the pieces of me.  I am worried that I won’t be able to fit all the parts back where they were before adoption came into my life.  I am worried that one gust of wind, one passive aggressive comment from an observer of my efforts, and it will all be undone and I will have to start over again. Most of all though, I am worried that my relationship with God and my church won’t survive this process. I hope it will but have come to the place where I must honestly admit that perhaps it won’t.


12 thoughts on “The Original UnMother

    • I don’t know if you have had a chance to read that book or not (Confessions of a Lost Mother) but so much of the stuff in it are things I could have written myself. It is a compilation of emails from a AOL email list and is “easy” to read in that it isn’t long. But seriously, some important stuff in there for us natural moms that will resonate with the vast majority of us.

  1. I’ve been there, truly.

    I understand the intensity of the loss and, yes, even my concept of God was obliterated in the wake of some of the more wrenching aspects. (Had my share of Lieutenant Dan moments … and there were years I could no longer pray except to simply utter the word “God.”) My concept of (I’m not even sure what to call it now) has slowly changed since then … it’s less certain, more embracing of mystery.

    I want to assure you that it’s possible for the splintered parts to rejoin — and for those that no longer fit to reshape themselves in accordance with growth. (Callous comments and worse, things that would have once flattened me, no longer do so… at least where adoption is concerned.)

    I guess I’m just trying to offer encouragement.

    • Thank you, t. I have been reading the posts over on your blog and have been hoping to connect with you somehow. You seem to be much further down the road of healing than I am and I am hoping you can help me identify some guideposts the will help me know if I am headed in the right direction. Can you email me at s o s t i n k i n h a p p y at h o t m a i l dot c o m so I can ask you some questions in private?

  2. For some reason, I’ve not mastered linking my comment to my blog. Also, how might one “sign up” to view your protected posts?

    • Send me an email and I will send you the password to the protected posts. And you seem to have mastered linking your comment to the blog, as it takes me to it. 🙂

      • Just take out the spaces in between the letters and use the “@” symbol. By typing it out that way, I’m able to prevent some spammers from slurping it from the comments section.

  3. I feel like adoption as taken my self worth as a Mom. I fear losing my children. It sometimes is not surfacing but then something like my ex husband getting married and fearing that since he is married blah blah that he might be ready to try to be a parent to his second son to screw up I mean raise. I think am I bad Mother cause it’s November and he doesn’t have a winter coat yet. Can they use that agaisnt me. By the way, it’s on layaway and we will get it on Friday along with mine. but it’s stuff like that i fear. Sorry for rambling but this post hit home with how I been feeling.

    • I fear losing my children.

      Yes, this. And when you add an ex into the mix, it is like you are parenting under a electron microscope. Every little thing become huge and blown out of proportion, even the fears of losing our children. I wish I had some sage advice but as it is, I just have to say, “I know how you feel.”


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