I called my new Bishop an hour or so ago, seeking an appointment with him. I was feeling brave enough to “read him in” about this whole adoption “thing” in my life. My hopes were that much like my amazing Bishop from my ward in Williamsburg, he would be able to talk with me and help me make some kind of sense about all of this. I really felt like I was making some progress with my old Bishop before we moved.
At any rate, I called him and I made an appointment. He asked me what it might be regarding and I hemmed and hawed and then just came out and told him it was about adoption and some unresolved issues I needed to work through.
He then told me about his brother and sister. Who are adopted. He then told me how when the older one was sealed to the family, the man performing the ordinance told his parents that this new adoptee would take on the genetic properties of their family. He then proceeded to tell me how he thought this is exactly what had happened with his adopted siblings – that they had become some similar they shared the same medical issues and likes and dislikes.
I lost it.
Yes, that’s right. Within a two week time period I have now officially LOST IT twice. A normally calm, rational, and reasoned Melynda had a complete come apart. And I mean my head popped off and spun around, screaming at my new Bishop, sobbing my guts out kind of come apart. I
told yelled at him to cancel my appointment, I had heard enough and did not need to hear one more word from him EVER again.
I don’t know what has gotten in to me. I have endured nearly 19 years of being nice in the hopes that someday I would qualify to have a relationship with you and now…now I am PISSED. I am pissed at a culture that thinks it is OK to treat women and children like we have been treated. I am pissed at a culture that strips women of their motherhood in the name of God, while gently cooing, “it’s all about love.” I am pissed that when I scream “FOUL!” over it, this culture tells me too bad, so sad you got hurt, but things are different now and that I simply don’t understand “modern” adoption.
Nice Melynda seems to have taken a vacation and a new, fighting version of me has emerged in her place. And trust me, you don’t want to go up against a pointy-headed, well-researched pissed off natural mother who isn’t afraid to speak her mind anymore.
Today, my Bishop happened to step in it big time (no fault of his own) and he bore the brunt of it all.
To his credit, he did let me scream at him and when I was finally done, he actually took the time to tell me how sorry he was and that my Bishop back when you were with me had made a horrible, horrible mistake. (Yeah, tell me about it.) He reassured me that even though he didn’t know how, the Atonement could help ease my suffering. He also acknowledged that every single woman he has EVER talked with about losing a child to adoption has suffered lifelong grief, grief that never eased and seemed to grow bigger as the years go on (yeah, tell me about it).
I then asked him why we keep doing this as a church, why as a people we think this is an acceptable outcome for these precious daughters of God.
He didn’t have any answers, but at least he didn’t hang up on me.
He said he will keep the appointment open for me tomorrow – we don’t even have to talk about anything. He said he would just sit that and cry with me if that is what I need.
I don’t know what I will do at this point. It just felt good to have a priesthood leader tell me that Bishop Felix was wrong and what he did was flat out coercion. Adoption was wrong for you and me. It was SO wrong. Is wrong. Will always be wrong.