Oh man, that was a doozie

Today I had a huge, ginormous screaming match with my ex-husband.

It went something like this.

Him: Hey, we want Captain Knuckle to fly out here on Friday before Thanksgiving because the adoption of Purchase #2 will be finalized and we want to have her sealed to us on the Saturday before Thanksgiving.

Me: I don’t think that will work. (Realizing he would also have to miss the Friday before so that he could fly there). Captain Knuckle has some pretty important things for school happening on that Monday and Tuesday. Can’t you have the sealing performed the next Saturday during the time he is scheduled to be there?

Him: Well, we could but then several key family members would be missing.

I told him I needed to hang up and drive and I would finish the conversation with him later. I called when I got home and reiterated what I had already told him: Captain Knuckle did not want to miss school, especially since he is now in high school. It isn’t like the old days anymore where we can pull him out willy-nilly. He has real school work and real commitments. On top of that, my ex had already said they COULD do it the weekend he was going to be there but were choosing NOT to do it.

He started in on me about taking Captain Knuckle out of school for 4 days to go on a house hunting trip last spring and was doing his normal blame Melynda for everything that is wrong in the world, including his indigestion last weekend.  Normally, I can handle it and just hang up on him when he starts treating me this way, but this time…

I flat out LOST it with him.

Like head popped off, blood squirting out of my eyes, screaming obscenities and saying things like, “You selfish bastard!!! You and your wife are just jealous of me because I can have kids and you have to buy yours!!! You baby buying bastard!!!!!!! You are just trying to use Captain Knuckle to punish me because I can make babies but your wife can’t!!!” and “You are choosing your wife’s family over your own son! Are you really that afraid of that wretched woman that you won’t stand up for your own son and what is important to HIM???? This isn’t about me – this is ABOUT HIM. WHAT HE WANTS. WHAT HE NEEDS.”

There was a heap more swearing and yelling and calling names and saying every horrible thing I could think of about his craptastic attitude of entitlement as an adoptive parent. (He and his wife are the worst of the worst when it comes to LDS adoptive parents).

It was Seriously. Not. Pretty.

I haven’t let loose on him like that in about ten years and maaaaaaaaan, did it feel good. I mean seriously, after all that crap he has put me through for the past fourteen years with our son, there was a part of me that was rather proud of myself.

And then there was the part of me that was horrified I had acted so terribly towards my son’s father.  I was so ashamed I let him get the better of me and felt like I needed to throw up. And this was before I realized Captain Knuckle had been listening on the other phone without me knowing.

Then I was devastated beyond words.

After I hung up on his dad, I was sitting in my office crying. Captain Knuckle came in, put his arms around me and said, “I am so sorry, Mom. I didn’t know he talked that way to you.”  Then I started crying even harder because I realized he had heard me say all those awful things to his dad and he had heard all those awful things his dad said to me. I have made such an effort over the years to NEVER say crap about his dad in front of him and I have  done pretty well. Until now.

Today was a big fat parenting fail.

He heard the worst of the worst of the worst from both of us. It was awful.

I told him how completely sorry I was that he heard our exchange and how sorry I was I said those kinds of things about his dad and step-mom. He said, “No, Mom. I kind of already knew he felt that way about you. He’s just never told me to my face. He was really mean to you.”

Oh, my heart hurts for this sweet son of mine, this half-man who calls me Mom.

He clung to me and I clung to him for several minutes, both of us trying to find our footing as the world shifted between us. When I finally composed myself, he sat here next to me, knee to knee and we talked about what had happened.

Something had changed about him. Something had changed about us. We talked more freely than we have ever talked before and we talked of weightier things. It was like he had stepped across the threshold of childhood into being a young adult.

I know it hurt him to hear me say those things. I apologized profusely. He thanked me for fighting for what he wants. We laughed about my stupidity and he reminded me I owe him a quarter for every swear word I had said. He’s a very wealthy young man tonight.

Then his dad called him on his cell phone. He left and went outside and when he came back, handed me the phone.

I thought, “Oh man, here we go again.”

Much to my surprise. my ex said, “I talked it over with Captain Knuckle and we will just have him come home that Wednesday before Thanksgiving.”

I don’t know if they will wait to have their newest acquistion sealed to them while Captain Knuckle is there or if they will do it the week before when his wife’s family can be there. Who knows. All I know is that my ex finally respected what my son wanted.

Maybe I should have called him a selfish baby buying bastard ten years ago.


6 thoughts on “Oh man, that was a doozie

  1. I am glad you let him have it! I am sorry your son had to hear that. How pathetic that your ex acts the way he does and treats you the way he does. Your son is obviously an amazing young, you are a fabulous mom.
    As a step mother I am appalled that your ex’s wife thinks it’s OK to act the way she does. You are his MOTHER plain and simple and deserve respect. Ick. Want me to toilet paper their house?

    • That would be AWESOME, Jen! Just kidding…mostly.

      I, too, don’t understand the animosity she has towards me. The only thing I can figure out is that her infertility issues have made her *ridiculously* jealous of me and my relationship with our son. She seems to always be trying to sabotage it, not realizing that in doing so, she is only hurting herself. In the process, she is missing out on the chance to a parent to a really incredibly young man who has the capacity and will in his heart to love ALL of his parents.

      Not sure I deserve the words about being a good mom, though. Yesterday was certainly not one of my finer moments.


  2. Okay, I know it is wrong to do – and admit – but I am doing the happy dance for you.

    I know as a mom it kills you to know he heard it all but, you know, as our sons grow up into young men, there are somethings that it is okay for them to know, even if we haven’t meant for them to find out in the way they did.

    The thing is, you handled it with honesty, even after you realized your son had heard you. You took the time to talk to him instead of trying to brush it away with some quick explanation.

    I think, from one mom to another, you did the right thing all the way around. You finally told your ex what he should have been told long ago and you gave your son the opportunity to know that, even in the ugly, you two can still sit down and talk about thing.

    Way to go Mel!

  3. I agree with the others. This wasn’t an epic fail of your motherhood. You had no idea your son was listening or you would never have said what you did. Maybe in the end it was a good thing? Your son heard you standing up to someone who didn’t have his best interest at heart. He also heard you stand up for yourself, and that’s a great thing. Maybe hearing that gave him a bit more courage to stand up for himself. Afterwards your son was able to talk to you about it all, he knew he didn’t have to hide that from you ~ I think that says a lot about what kind of mom you are!

    Ditto on the “Way to go Mel!”

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