Dear Ms. Feverfew –
As I sit here tonight, I am having the strangest experience. I am having a hard time even being able to comprehend you ever existed in my life. Were you just a dream? Did I imagine you? Are you even real? Was I ever, if even for a fleeting moment, your mother?
I don’t know why this should come upon me tonight, this netherworld, disconnected, and almost disembodied sensation enveloping me. I feel like I did the day I signed the paperwork terminating my parental rights…numb on the surface but with a deep ache in the recesses of my psyche.
I have spent so many years desperately trying to prove my worth in the eyes of my culture, my church, and God – you…your parents. And I have a dreadful sinking feeling I am never going to measure up, not in by anyone’s standards. Is this distancing of myself from the reality of you my mind’s paradoxical way of surviving all of this at this moment?
I know it won’t last, this numbness that makes me feel translucent and unreal. Reality eventually settles back into my bones and I will have to face the world for what I am. Until then, I will just endure this…this strangeness.