I have had a rough couple of days, emotionally speaking. Sometimes this adoption garbage just drowns out every other bit of goodness in my life. I hate that it has this control over me but this is my reality right now. I just try to deal with it as best as possible and then carry on.
After all, that is what I do best, I suck it up and carry on in spite of crazy, difficult, and near impossible situations.
At any rate, I wrote in my journal about what’s going on right now but haven’t shared it here. Maybe I will, maybe I won’t. Who knows at this point. What I do know is that I am a survivor and while I may feel like I have met my Waterloo and am drowning in the miraculous “blessings” of adoption, I know I will make it through and come out the other side better and stronger.
I just wish that I wouldn’t be so blind-sided by it sometimes. I wish I could just enjoy a lovely family vacation at the beach and not spend 1/2 of a day curled up in my bed, sobbing over the “miracle” of adoption. I was like that once, but mainly because I was numb and had stuffed my grief into the darkest recesses of my soul. I forced myself to carry on because my culture and church leaders told me adoption was the inevitable outcome for us and there was no other option for an obedient daughter in the kingdom of God.
Maybe I will get to that place again but this time, without the added weight of unresolved trauma and grief.