I have noticed a theme of sorts running through many LDS “birth mother” blogs, especially ones belonging to women who are less than 5 or so years post-placement. It is one casting the role of “birth mother” as a great privilege and honor. For instance,
“I can see through the fog of my sorrow, pain and anger that this is a privledge [sic]. That this pain is mine to carry for the sake of others so they can be happy, so he can be happy and have all the joys in life he deserves. I know it won’t be easy, but as one has said I know it will be worth it.” ~the birth baby mama
Maybe it is because I am so over being a martyr and a saint, but I am not seeing how the role of a first mother is a privilege.
If it is such a privilege, then why aren’t women lining up at the doors of every LDSFS office across the country volunteering to do it?
Oh yeah. That’s right. It’s because being a first mother isn’t a privilege.
Maybe it is because I am a little bit older now I can see the life sentence of being a first mother is neither a privilege nor an honor. Maybe it is because I can see the sorrow in my sweet 6-year old son’s eyes when he asks about you that I understand this is neither a privilege nor an honor. Maybe it is because I now know the toll adoption extracts from adoptees that I understand this is neither a privilege nor an honor. Maybe because I have had the “luxury” of nearly two decades of living as a first mother I have come to understand this pain is not worth the trade-off.
Just to put the record straight, you would have been happy with me. Sure, I know your adoptive parents are wonderful and good people, but you would have been happy with me. Perhaps not as rich (at first) but just as happy, if not more so. I know your brother Captain Knuckle is happy being with me, in spite of the fact I raised him as a single parent for nearly six years. I would hazard a guess that he is pretty darn joyful being raised by me, his mother. You would have been, too.
But you weren’t and for that, I am sorry.
And what is this notion of the pain being “worth it” spoken of by the birth baby mama? Worth it?
I cannot answer that question for you or for other adoptees but for me, my husband, and your siblings, this was SO not worth “it.” But, I guess once again that is the wisdom and maturity that living nearly two decades as an exiled first family brings.