For the past couple of years, my ex-husband has scheduled Captain Knuckle’s summertime visitation to begin on…(drumroll please)…your birthday. So for the past three or four years, I get to “celebrate” your birthday by putting my oldest son on a plane. He then jets across the country to spend several months with people that hate me and honestly wish I would just die so they could have him without any interference from me.
This year is no different.
Your birthday is hard on me. Having to send Captain Knuckle off on that very day makes it even more difficult. And sometimes I wonder, does he schedule the flights on that day on purpose? I don’t think he is clever or cruel enough on his own to come up with such a plan but I know his wife is capable of this kind of injury to another woman. She knows about my natural mother status and I think she hates me even all the more for it. And let’s face it – in her reality, she is an adoptive mother of two girls and she feels she deserves to adopt Captain Knuckle, too. They passed a home study, DAMMIT, and I haven’t!!! They are state approved parents and I am not!!! Those certificates prove she is a better person than I am, DAMMIT!!! She deserves Captain Knuckle, she deserves, she deserves…
Whether scheduling his flight to coincide with your birthday (again) was intentional or not, it still feels like twisting the knife even more and shoving it in a bit deeper.
P.S. So I am wondering if you want me to send you a birthday message on Facebook or not? And when do I send it? Before your birthday, on your birthday, after your birthday? Not at all? Ugh. Where is the stupid manual on how to manage a non-reunion with the child you gave away because you didn’t think you were a good enough person even though in reality you were (still are) an amazing mother?