So….this last week was strange. Lots of sad news and interesting connections made, topped off by my dissertation proposal defense (passed, no revisions, I am now officially all but dissertation – “ABD” in pointy-headed speak).

Finding out about my mom’s close friend being so gravely ill has been a blow to our family. The doctors  discovered she has late stage Acute Onset Adult Leukemia as an underlying condition, which explains why she was not able to fight off the bronchial infection.  She is still lingering in the hospital, her family unwilling to remove her from life support despite the fact her organs have essentially shut down and there is no brain activity.

Then came the news of fellow first mother KiwiRose’s passing.  This has been a crushing blow which left me staggering for days. I have followed her blog since I discovered it last fall and it has been absolutely gut-wrenching to watch her spiral downward, knowing there was little I could do to cushion her decent. The reasons for suicide are difficult to understand but this is one of those times where frankly, I understand her pain. I get it. I did not choose the same path but very easily could have.

My heart aches for her and for the daughters she left behind. I hope – no, I have to believe – the moment she slipped through to the other side of the veil, she was met by outstretched arms and enfolded in the love only He who can heal the pain of losing a child to adoption, Jesus Christ, can offer. Certainly she will have to work things out with God in the due course of things, but I think He understands her pain. He gets it. May she rest easy in His grace and tender mercy.

And then to  spend Friday afternoon defending my dissertation proposal and having it pass without any of my committee members requiring one single change to any of the three studies I proposed. ASTOUNDING. They all mentioned how it was one of the best proposals they had read in recent years which floored me – I was totally prepared for revisions and having to argue my point with this group of people but no….The most “difficult” question I had to field was from Dr. B., the Dean of Graduate Studies who said, “Melynda, the only major concern is on page 13 when you use the word ‘between’ when referring to more than two groups.  You do know it should be ‘among’, right?”

Uh…*blush*…yes. And I will make sure never to forget to check for that again, Dr. B.

Then to discover the strange coincidence of my Bishop and his wife being closely acquainted with your family…the fact that they have seen you, played with you, and known you. Oh man.

Yesterday, I talked with the Bishop’s wife at church and she told me of how crazy in love your older sisters are with you and that you have always been the delight of your family.  She said, “When I first met [Ms. Feverfew], there was something so…radiant, so unique about her.  She was and has always been so special and just…going places. And now to think I have met her mom! I have met her MOM!!!!”

It was a crazy conversation to be having in the foyer of a church thousands of miles away from where you live. Crazy stuff indeed.

So it was just a crazystrange week filled with tears of sadness, tears of gratitude, and tears of jubilation. It was a week of immense spiritual and emotional growth for me and I am still pondering all these things in my heart, trying to make sense and order of them all. I just wanted to let you know I am so pleased to hear from others good reports about your life and your family.  While it hurts, it helps all at the same time.

Much love,


9 thoughts on “crazystrange

  1. What a week indeed! So sorry about your friend. I believe, as you do, that she was met by Jesus, and now lives in His grace.

    I cannot imagine how wonderful (yet bittersweet) it must have been to talk to someone that KNOWS Ms. Feverfew! And to hear such lovely things too. To hear someone acknowledge you as her mom ~ I am so happy for you.


    • Yes, it was wonderful to hear such good reports of her and her life. I have witnessed too many first mothers discover the exact opposite about their children lost to adoption and it breaks my heart. I am very fortunate, as has been my daughter.


  2. So did you ask God for “a sign” or something?! Bizarre, but kind of great at the same time, no? I’m really hopeful for your eventual joyful reunion with Ms. F… the fact that your bishop’s wife was so positive ABOUT you is a good indicator that they’re not maligning you “over there” or anything, right?

    I don’t believe God torments us, so I have faith that this – and your simultaneous passing of your dissertation – are evidence of good things he’s continuing to unfold through your life.

    Gonna be watching you for any misuses of “between” and “among” in the future, though. Just sayin’. 🙂

    Congratulations on your excellent defense!

    • Kim –

      While not a “sign seeker,” there certainly seems to be something about the timing of all of these things coming together in such a short span of time. I didn’t go looking for a sign, but whammo blammo, I think I just ran smack into one!!!! Now I just have to figure out what it says.

      Thanks for the congrats – now it is on to the fun work of writing my dissertation!


      P.S. I also use the word “that” a lot. So keep an eye out for…well, for that. 😉

    • Yes, it happened early last week. Still makes me so very sad. I haven’t written about her passing, perhaps because I have known that dark place myself and it scares me a bit to think how close I was to making the same choice. There are few words to describe the pain of losing a child to adoption and the darkness of the soul it leaves behind because to chose that act, a woman has to be convinced she is not good enough to parent and not worthy of her child and that every one else deserves more than she will ever qualify for. How does one recover from such a wound to the soul? Is it possible to ever fully recover or do we simply learn to live with that deep, terrible ache? How do we silence those nagging thoughts perched on the edge of our subconscious that keep telling us, “You are not good enough.“?

      The only thing that has kept me from walking down that same path as KiwiRose has been this belief of mine that God is bigger than this – that He can and will set all things right. He is, after all, a God of restoration and of returning things to their proper order.

      If any good has come from this last week, it is that I have be reawakened to the fact I need to take better care of myself physically and emotionally.

  3. Congrats, ABD lady! That is quite something, along with the fabulous response of your committee. It’s such a load off once you’re over that hurdle, and now all you have left is writing. Woo hoo!!!

    • Exactly! Seriously Kara, the dissertation writing part feels like a cake walk now. The only thing that will keep me from graduating in May is my committee’s ability to get stuff reviewed and returned to me in a timely manner. They all told me to be the squeaky wheel and so they are going to hear me squeak VERY loudly over the next couple of months!!!


  4. I read your blog thirsty…..a fellow birthmother hungering and thirsting for truth and shared experiences. I only placed in July of 2010 but it seems that the age old injustice continues- we are made to feel that we are not enough- to parent our children, to do it on our own, to be an unwed mother, to be accepted. It’s a horrible setup and system. I went to an adoption agency/children’s social services to investigate options and I left basically talked into an adoption. I love my daughter’s adoptive parents- I do not blame them- but the feeling of not being worthy enough lasts and lingers. I no longer feel optimistic about the future and have no idea when I will “measure up” to be a mom. Adoption is very hard. I read Kiwi Rose’s blog and emailed her occasionally. I knew she was so close but she also was at the point where nothing could stop her. I had a fear in December or so that she was succumbing to that blackness. I too have been at that point. I just to be honest don’t have the motivation or wherewithal to do it. I couldn’t put my family through it. I have also found myself VERY passive about life in general. Some days I wonder if I’m just biding time, wasting space on earth, until the natural order of things take over. I’m only 31 so this is not normal thinking, but it is defeatist thinking, and reflects a lot about how adoption changes a birthparent and not always for the good. Thanks for your honest and frank thoughts.

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