Dear Ms. Feverfew –
Whew. Glad that is all over.
I am so happy to write that Lola and I have made our peace. I am even happier to write that it is not that uneasy, “You go your way and I will go mine” kind of peace that is typically brokered between two parties in situations like this.
It is the kind of peace from which friendships may form. The kind of peace when two people say, “Come now, let us reason together. We are better than this.” The kind of peace that does not make much sense to others, but makes perfect sense to us.
Lola has graciously offered some of us space and time on her blog to answer questions from her readers. Mind you, the questions are most likely all going to come from LDS readers who have spent their entire life being preached to about the miracle and blessing of adoption.
Most of them have never encountered an adoptee who has had nothing but glowing things to say about the “miracle and blessing” of adoption. Most of them have never encountered a first mother who has anything to say other than what a “miracle and a blessing” adoption is in her life. The reason why is that we first mothers and adoptees in the LDS culture are simply not allowed those feelings. If we dare express them, we get the smack down of the century from well meaning, but unknowing folks who are just trying to help us see the error of our ways and convince us yet again that adoption is a “miracle and a blessing.” But you probably already know that. Here I go again, preaching to the choir.
Some of the things we may say will be very foreign to their ears and heavy in their hearts and we must tread lightly but speak our truth.
I know that is how it was for me. When I first started learning about things like primal wounds, baby brokering, and how adoption was woman on woman violence, I was horrified to realize that I had been part of the system – I was a part of the system. That I inserted you, my beloved and cherished daughter, into the system. Realizing the fantasy I had about adoption being a “miracle and a blessing” for all those involved was really not as true as I once thought…well, it was earth shattering. And it was a bitter pill to swallow.
You know that whole “gall of bitterness” thing that Alma talks about in Alma 36? Yeah…that was me. That was so me.
I do not know how the Q&A session on her blog will turn out. These are difficult things to hear and learn. Not only that, most people I have known who speak out against infant adoption as we practice it in the LDS church get shouted down fairly rapidly (and loudly). Maybe Lola will not. She has proven to have the mettle to stand firm in the face of some pretty unpleasant stuff. And maybe because she does not have “a dog in the [proverbial] hunt,” people will be more willing to listen to her.
You can be sure I will keep you updated.