Choosing to Not Say Anything this Christmas Day

I have volumes I could write about spending another Christmas season without hearing from you or your family. I am still the big, bad, scary birth monster mother according to the LDS culture, especially since I won’t go quietly into that good night and just “move on” and “accept” you were better off somewhere else than you would have been be with me.

It’s all a damned lie, just so you know. You would have been just fine with me.

So as my mother always says, “If you can’t say something nice then don’t say anything at all.” I so I am choosing to not say anything at all.

8 thoughts on “Choosing to Not Say Anything this Christmas Day

    • Yes…met (unsurprisingly) by the sound of chirping crickets. 😦

      Most days I can be pretty nice about things, but today for some reason I seem to have misplaced my “nice.”

      Hope you had a joyous Christmas –


  1. Not to come off sounding boastful or awesome (because I am not) but I really do not understand your daughters adoptive parents. Even though my sons mother lives a volalite lifestyle, I work very hard to keep track of her and keep in touch with her. I always enjoy sending and receiving letters from and she recently started texting and it has been THE BEST. I mean, who truly loves your kids as much as you do?? Grandparent, maybe? But when I text her a picture of the boys or something cute they said, she is as gaga over it as I am! ANd when they are naughty I can text and say, take a look at this mess, and she laments with me and gives me advice and says that they get all those bad qualities from her moms side, etc etc. It is the ultimate validation and support system that EVERY mom desire. It is a huge blessing for me and I can’t imagine raising these boys without her. She in turn is grateful I have them while she is still figuring out her life. It is not always peaches and rainbows, but today while the boys talked on the phone with her to say Merry Christmas I was thinking that hopefully some day we would have enough money to bring us all together for Christmas.
    The point of my own little pat on the back story, is this…what is wrong with that mother??? You can’t just pretend that someone doesn’t exist. You can’t ignore DNA and memories and feelings. Knowing you as I do through your blog, it pains me to think that both of those women have missed out on having a life long relationship with you. You are amazing and I honestly don’t get it. And like you, it angers me that A-rents think that they can only be a “family” if they push out birthparents. As far as I’m concerned, when we adopted our children, we also “adopted” their parents, grandparents, half siblings, etc etc. Otherwise, to me, it would feel like kidnapping.
    too harsh????

    • Shannan –

      I hope you understand that you are truly an anomaly in the world of LDS adoptive parents. Most are far less inclusive of their children’s extended first families and do not have the enlightened (and far more Christ-like, IMHO) attitude towards first families that have.

      And you are awesome, BTW. Just sayin’.

      Merry Christmas and much love to your family –


  2. I do know how you feel. I truly do, Christmas is so hard isn’t it. I know you are not asking alot. Wanting to know your own flesh and blood, to her your daughter’s voice again, to just get a response on facebook. It hurts, I know you go from sadness, acceptance, hurt, and anger. How could you not? Letting those feelings out is okay.
    Alyssa’s Amom is just starting in the last few weeks to understand the pain in adoption. After being an adoptive mom for 21 years she is just realizing adoption is not all about joys, gifts, and blessings. To see Alyssa’s loss and realizing that the natural parent side isn’t as easy as she thought, she is finally understanding.

    @Shannon I wish all adoptive moms were like you. Not just words but action and love.


  3. @ Jeannette: You said “Wanting to know your own flesh and blood” etc etc

    It’s ridiculous to say, but it’s a considered to be somewhat of a privilege in adoption-land. It’s not a “right” to meet your own mother, much less have a relationship with her.

    @ Valency: Ooooh, the “better off” issue is a touchy one. Hard to argue in the cases where the adoptee actually is better off – even if they don’t necessarily feel that way. >.>

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