Christmas Malaise

Angst, anxiety, debility, despair, discomfort, disquiet, distress, infirmness, lassitude, melancholy, pain, unease, uneasiness, weakness. All words for this generalized malaise that sets in each year at about this time.

Typically, I can shake it off but this year…this year is different. I feel it settling into my bones, deep into my soul. I know why it is happening but I just can’t seem to stop it this year, I can’t seem to pull it together, suck it up, get over it.

I have a lovely Christmas card I want to send but I am weak. I really don’t think I can handle another phone call like the last one I got from your adoptive mother, basically telling me to back off, stay away, leaver her/us alone, thanks, but no thanks.

Between that and the reality that you have never responded to my Facebook message, I can only surmise that you don’t want anything to do with me right now. I want to send you a short message on Facebook, I even write it out but then I hesitate…and hit cancel instead of send.

And so I sit here with this card…unsure if I should send it to your parents, where you may or may not see it. I don’t have your address so sending it directly to you isn’t even an option.  My head says “Go ahead and send it” but I am not sure my heart can handle another unanswered letter.

I wish there was some instruction manual telling me what I should do. If you ever come across one, would you mind sending me the reference? I would greatly appreciate it.


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