Angst, anxiety, debility, despair, discomfort, disquiet, distress, infirmness, lassitude, melancholy, pain, unease, uneasiness, weakness. All words for this generalized malaise that sets in each year at about this time.

Typically, I can shake it off but this year…this year is different. I feel it settling into my bones, deep into my soul. I know why it is happening but I just can’t seem to stop it this year, I can’t seem to pull it together, suck it up, get over it.

I have a lovely Christmas card I want to send but I am weak. I really don’t think I can handle another phone call like the last one I got from your adoptive mother, basically telling me to back off, stay away, leaver her/us alone, thanks, but no thanks.

Between that and the reality that you have never responded to my Facebook message, I can only surmise that you don’t want anything to do with me right now. I want to send you a short message on Facebook, I even write it out but then I hesitate…and hit cancel instead of send.

And so I sit here with this card…unsure if I should send it to your parents, where you may or may not see it. I don’t have your address so sending it directly to you isn’t even an option.  My head says “Go ahead and send it” but I am not sure my heart can handle another unanswered letter.

I wish there was some instruction manual telling me what I should do. If you ever come across one, would you mind sending me the reference? I would greatly appreciate it.