Dear Ms. Feverfew –
Ah! The first day of a new month. And no more Adoption Awareness Month. (Not that my “awareness” of adoption ever wanes, it’s just now I don’t have to listen to other people tell me how I should “celebrate” adoption).
I didn’t post as much last month as I had planned, but I did finish up some other rather large projects in my life, so I guess it is all good. Actually, it is all good and with a little bit of determined, focused effort, I will graduate next May with my Ph.D. in Instructional Technology and Learning Sciences.
So now it is December. In years past, I have struggled with this holiday – never is it more apparent that you aren’t a part of my life than on Christmas morning. (Well, every year on your birthday is a pretty good reminder too.) But this year, since you are 18, I get the added “gift” of wondering…do I send you a card? If I send the card, will your adoptive parents secret it away before you get a chance to see it, just as they have all of the other things I have sent through the years? Should I send you a FB message instead? That way, at least I know you got it. Perhaps I should send both a physical card and a FB message, but would that be overkill? And if I do send something, when should I send it (the card or the FB message)? Do I send it earlier in the month or later in the month? Or not at all? Do I do what my mom does with her children – pull back and declare, “Well, if they want to have a relationship with me, they know where to find me.” Or do I try to break the genetic gravitational pull of complacency and victimhood and actively seek you out, regardless of your feelings towards me? Or is that too invasive? Will doing that shred any possibility of a future reunion with you? Do you even want to know that I am thinking of you this holiday season, as always, or do you not care?
So many questions. So very many questions.
Much love and belief –