National Adoption Awareness Month ~ Day 9: Will the Real Me Please Raise Her Hand?

Dear Ms. Feverfew –

Today I am tired. I am cranky. Surly. Churlish. Cantankerous. Crabby. Ill-tempered and impolite. Grouchy, grumpy and gruff. Ungracious and unsociable. I am this way for a variety of reasons: lack of sleep, too much school work, too much laundry, one clingy little adorable baby girl, not enough good eats, PMS, the weather changing, the new gray hairs I found this morning, and the fact that you don’t want to have anything to do with me.

Bottom line: Don’t mess with me today. I am not a pleasant person to be around.

So imagine my delight to just now discover that according to Utah Code 78B-6-140-2a, I am a “pre-existing parent.”


Add that to my ever growing list of labels that pro-adoption/positive adoption language folks have given me: Lifemother, birthmother, BM, breeder, brood sow, and now, pre-existing parent. Oh wait. My PALs would never call me a BM, breeder, or brood sow to my face.

Will the real me please raise her hand?

Much love,



6 thoughts on “National Adoption Awareness Month ~ Day 9: Will the Real Me Please Raise Her Hand?

  1. How long as it been since you wrote her? Don’t give up. Maybe, she just isn’t ready. I hope someday soon she writes back. I can’t imagine how you must feel. I know you have an “open adoption” meaning you write and they don’t really pay much attention to you. Do you think your daughter ever actually see’s the letters you send? Again, I hope that you hear from her soon.

    • Cristy –

      The last letter I sent was a message to her FB account in early September. Prior to that, any letters I had sent were through her parents. Between the conversation she had with my MIL at the library and my phone call with her adoptive mother in July, it became clear that they have told her nothing about me. She didn’t know I was married. She didn’t know she had two brothers and a sister. She didn’t know I was working on a PhD. She didn’t know she had 11 aunts and uncles just from my family. She didn’t know anything about her first father and wondered if he was the same guy that is the father of one of her friends at school. (Uh…no. Her dad lives in American Samoa now and has never been to UT). So no, I don’t think she has ever seen the letters or even knows that I have been sending letters to her parents all these years. Her parents “lost” the adoption paperwork when she was about 8 so who knows what they did with the letters…

      I hope to hear from her too but I am trying to be realistic. I am not angry with her in any way shape or form, nor do I take it personally, if that makes any sense. It’s the culture, it isn’t her. It’s the culture, it isn’t me. I *totally* understand the gravitational pull she will have to overcome if she ever decides to contact me.

      I figure in the mean time, I will send her a birthday card every year and a Christmas card, just so she knows I am thinking of her and so she has my current contact information.


  2. Melynda,

    We are in a little bit of a different situation on this one. Do you know any other adult adoptees personally that you can get their advice from? If you want to talk to my daughter about it you totally can. She is the same age as your daughter an adoptee so she might be able to give you some better advice than me, a clingy natural mom.

    I would definately continue writing letters on her birthday and Christmas. Let her know you are thinking about her. Have your sons ever wrote her? Has she seen pictures of her siblings? I wouldn’t suggest monthly letters unless she wrote back. Is she living at home or away at college?

    I know when I was writing my daughter weekly because she asked me to. She would sometimes take 6 weeks to write back. I was always terrified if I said something wrong to her, what if she was angry with me. I now found out she wasn’t writing weekly because it was out of her control but she still wanted to receive letters. She loved to hear from me, my husband, her siblings, and cousin.

    Even when she didn’t respond didn’t mean she didn’t want to hear from us.

    I’m sorry you are having such a rough day, if you need to talk please call me anytime. I’m not used to sleeping anyways and I will answer anytime of night.

    I have to run I will talk to you soon

    • Jeannette –

      Yeah, I have a couple of adoptee friends that I get advice from about this contact stuff. They are the ones who suggested that I send her a short “thinking of you” kind of message with any updates to my contact info once or twice a year. No one else in my family has written her even though they are dying too – I haven’t wanted to push the issue and figure I will let her take the lead. Up until my MIL contacting her at the library this last summer, she didn’t even know she had siblings. 😦

      She is still very young. I just have to be patient.

      I need to go teach Relief Society tonight. Home organization – woohoo! (No seriously, I LOVE keeping a clean, organized home).


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