It is what it is.

Just when I feel like I am finally “getting it” as a parent – as a first parent and a parent to your three siblings – you post yet another heart breaking tumblr post. Like a knife to the soul, it feels like my house of cards comes crashing down.

I am sorry. I know it is cold comfort at this point in your life, but I am sorry for not trusting my mother-heart and for leaving you with complete strangers.

I read posts like the one from this morning and my heart aches to wrap my arms around you, smooth your furrowed brow, and whisper in your ear it will be all right sweet daughter. It will be all right.

I wish I could turn back the hands of time and run as far and as fast with you as I possibly could. My only defense is that I truly, honestly thought I was doing the “best thing,” the “right thing,” the “loving thing.”

18 years later, I now know all of those “things” were cleverly crafted and coercive edicts based on years of research.  We – you and I – didn’t stand a chance against the religious adoption machinery. I was too young and too inexperienced with life. I had spent my entire life having the dog-crap kicked out of me – I didn’t know I could trust my own judgment that was screaming at me, no no no NO NO NO!!!! I trusted my Bishop when he told me “You don’t need to parent  to prove you are a good person. That’s just the abuse talking. Good mothers who love their child give them a mother and a father.” I trusted him (being a social worker and my priesthood leader) when he told me that I would have more children and “get over” you. I now know those were all lies but I didn’t know it then.

I did have more children but I have never gotten over you. The right thing would have been for me to raise you. The best thing would have been family preservation.

At this point, it is what it is. All I can do is tell you I am sorry.


6 thoughts on “It is what it is.

  1. As a mother who placed two children for adoption, I too felt that I was absolutely doing the best thing for them. Now, 29 years later and a 3 and 1/2 year reunion gone horribly wrong, I know that the choice I made damaged my children in ways I could not have imagined at the age of 21. It was certainly NOT my intention, I had nothing but love and selflessness in my heart, but now the consequences of my choice have caused a hurt bigger than all of us.

    I think often of writing a letter apologizing, I have apologized in person to both G & J, but my apology does not penetrate the deep hurt and anger in their hearts. I pray one day they will find some relief, I pray one day that I will too.

    It would be nice, in some ways, to go back to the cocoon of knowing I made the right choice and that my children and their parents would love me for that choice. But Pandora’s box is open now, and we must all deal with the reality of adoption.

    I wish the best for you and yours too.



    • It was certainly NOT my intention, I had nothing but love and selflessness in my heart, but now the consequences of my choice have caused a hurt bigger than all of us.

      Oh yes, Liz. This. Most definitely this. I think that is one of the most difficult things I deal with on a daily basis. I just keep reminding myself that the God of all creation is bigger than this mess of this hurt. His ability to set things right is bigger than my ability to screw things up (and I screwed things up royally).


  2. I think that what you have said is the truth for almost every first Mother I know, even my own. You were vulnerable, and you were then exploited by the very people who should have been supporting you. When the church and family are the people who put this pressure on mothers, it is even worse.

    If someone had told the truth as to how this decision would have impacted the children, first Mothers and their future children, the outcome would not have been the same.

    I’m sorry you are hurting. I wish I could tell you it will get better. I know for me, I have never had anger towards my Mother for making a decision she felt she had to make. I am angry at society and the views it had, and unfortunately still has about adoption. It’s not anger, it’s just sadness.

    Sending you hugs.

    • Thank you, Linda. Your understanding means a great deal – and you are so very correct: Had I known the impact on my daughter and my other children, I would have


      made the same choice and I would have four children lounging around the house today instead of three.


    • It’s her tumblr blog that is *totally* open to the public. Sometimes I think she knows I am reading it because of what she writes. And yes, it is excruciatingly painful at times but knowing small bit about what is going on in her life, even from a distance, is much better than the years of not knowing. So come what may, I read but *never* comment. I am certain she has a much more private blog out there, I am just not willing to go digging for it. The bits and pieces she posts on tumblr are enough.

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