Oh. That’s Why.

Dear Ms. Feverfew –

Today is a 2-for-1 deal. Instead of just one letter from me, you get two!

So your birthday is coming up next week and as you can only imagine, I am a frayed mess of emotions. I am definitely not a pleasant person to be around right now.

Especially today. All day today I have been alternately sullen, surly, churlish, curt, cantankerous, grumpy, dour or all of the above at the same time. I have also been intermittently weepy, teary-eyed, and a basic blubbering idiot.

I have been chalking it up to the extreme lack of sleep a newborn brings to a mother’s world, especially one that wants to nurse every 2 – 2 1/2 hours. (You do the math – it takes about an hour to an hour 15 minutes to feed her, another 20-30 minutes to get her back to sleep which means that at the absolute most, I have about 45 minutes to get anything done, including sleep. It’s usually closer to 25 minutes or so.  Times that by 10 or 11 times a day and that makes for one well fed baby but extremely exhausted mother.)

At any rate, in an effort to get her to sleep this evening, I took her for a walk in her Maya wrap. Probably not the best idea since I am not yet 5 weeks post-op, but I am desperate at this point to get her to sleep. While I was walking, it dawned on me…today is the 18th anniversary of your due date.

It’s also the last time I ever heard from your father. He called me to find out if you had been born yet and told me that he was certain that you weren’t his and that he wished I had just aborted you.

No wonder I am in such a pissy mood today.

That is all I have time to write right now. Princess P. is in the bassinet next to the bed here and has started crying. I mean after all, it has been almost two entire hours since she last ate.


5 thoughts on “Oh. That’s Why.

  1. ((((((((HUGS))))))))

    Reading this post is like a blast from my own past!! I was exactly like this shortly after the birth of my second daughter.

    You really need to get some sleep!! Sleep deprivation is a killer and on top of grief it makes everything 10 times worse. A. was similar with feeding to your Princess P… took forever to feed, burp, change and then put back to sleep. Not to mention she would then wake screaming with reflux… oh I don’t miss those days!! I ended up expressing milk for her so my hubby could have chances to feed her (good bonding for them) and I got some sleep.

    Anyway, I just wanted to send you some support and love… know that everything is feeling more overwhelming due to lack of sleep; it seems to magnify all emotions significantly. It doesn’t help that a birthday is looming; these two combined are not helping matters much! You take care and remember to look after yourself: a happy healthy mama is a healthy happy baby!

    Hugs again,
    Myst xxx

    • Myst – Thanks for the support and the gentle reminder to let the husband help out. I have started letting him the the CPIC (Chief Parent in Charge) in the evenings. I feed her at about 8 and he humors her along until around 11:30 p.m. so I can get at least two straight hours of sleep. For as tired as I am, I can’t imagine having to deal with a baby with reflux on top of all of this like you did. Sheesh, that would really send me over the proverbial edge!

      And yes, having a birthday coincide with the early days of this baby have been really tough. There have been several times while nursing that I look down at her gorgeous little face with those big eyes staring back up at me and I just start crying. My boys didn’t affect me nearly like this – maybe because they were boys, maybe because their births were in the fall instead of early summer – who knows.

      Thanks again for the support – it really helps to know that others have survived these early days of being a new-again mommy!


  2. Hello. Congratulations on the birth of Princess P!!

    And yes, you need to get some sleep.

    I remember after giving birth, I usually had lots of energy for nearly the first month. After that, the lack of sleep began to catch up with me. I think that post partum mommas really need still need help even a month, two or three after the baby is born. I hope that you have someone who can come once in a while to wash some clothes and make a dinner for you. With a couple of my babies, i hired some neighbor girls during the summer to come in and be “mother’s helpers” for laundry folding or just holding and changing the baby while I got a nap.

    In addition, I think that it is probably good that you have the awareness of the “Oh. That’s Why”….your daughter’s due date and birthday coming up.

    I went into very great denial for decades after the surrender of my first born son, so I didn’t have any Oh. That’s Why awarenesses after the births of my other sons. When grief saw a huge opportunity in my postpartum lack of sleep; I had no awareness. I was blindsided. I couldn’t look grief in the face and call out by name. Also… I fully agree with Myst that lack of sleep magnifies all emotions significantly.

    ( at the risk of sounding stalkerish…I live in MN…if you are close, I will come to fold some laundry.. I make pretty good soup, too.)

    • Roxanne – Thanks for the congrats on the wee one. She is so lovely, even if she does want to eat all. the. time. I had some excellent help while my MIL was here but she left last week and now I am doing it on my own. Fortunately I have a whole bunch of freezer meals that I put together back at the beginning of my pregnancy and don’t have to really cook for about 6 weeks if I don’t want too! Now if I could just figure out the laundry thing…

      Thanks so much for the offer to help – I am in VA and while I would love the company, it would be quite the drive to do laundry and make soup! 🙂


      P.S. This adoption grief garbage really sucks, especially right now. It’s like a tiger I cannot tame and the lack of sleep is definitely exacerbating my lack of coping skills!!!

  3. M. So glad that you have the meals prepared and that your husband is now the CPIC!

    Laundry is my nemesis. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. One of my boys figured out several years ago that if he did his own laundry, he got his clothes back right away. ;0) And I figured out that teenage boys really can do laundry….

    Hope that you are getting a at least one little nap every single day.

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