Today on a social media site you posed the question to the Universe, “Do you ever regret your decision?”
My answer to that question is unequivocally, undeniably, yes. Every single day of my life I regret my decision to relinquish you for adoption. If there was one single decision in my life that I could “do over” it would be that rainy evening in March of 1993 when I walked out of the Orem Institute of Religion, leaving you and a part of my soul behind. If I could do it over, I would have never even gone there that night in the first place. Adoption would have not ever been part of our lives. Period.
Knowing what I know now about how adoption might affect you in the long term, there is no way in hell I would ever make the same decision again.
The more understanding and knowledge I have gained over the years about mother-infant relationships and child development, the more I have come to understand how absolutely wrong adoption was for us. While I truly believe there are times when adoption is the correct thing (as in the cases of abuse, neglect, or abandonment), none of those things were part of your life at any point in time. From the moment I found out I was pregnant with you, you were wanted, cherished, and loved.
I thought I was doing the right thing. My culture told me I was doing the right thing. I now know it wasn’t the right thing, but what is done is done. All I can do now is pray that eventually you find peace and healing from the wounds I may have unknowingly inflicted on you by relinquishing you for adoption.