Tonight I sent an email to a close friend of mine. Here’s the content. It pretty much sums up my feelings of late.
I feel like such a stalker. I read all of her blog posts, save all of her pictures. She’s so beautiful, so smart, so talented. And I gave all of that away.
I hate myself some days, you know? I simply can’t seem to find a way to forgive myself for not having enough ego strength to trust in my abilities to parent. For giving in to the pressures of my social and religious group. I was a good mother to her for the nine months I parented her. And I just….I just walked away from her, thinking I was doing what was best.
Ugh. This sucks. Can you tell me how to just make it all go away? Sixteen years later and it hurts just as bad as the first night without her. Maybe more. Actually, a lot more. (As I go find several boxes of kleenex….)