Too long

Dear Ms. Feverfew –

Today marks 15 years since I relinquished you to your adoptive family.

Sadness has been my constant companion throughout the day. I couldn’t bear to go to church and spent the day playing with the boys instead. We made finger paints, bread, pancakes, played Uno, Mancala, cars, trains, read stories, and just hung out. They didn’t know that I was continually aching for you throughout the day…they don’t need to be burdened with that. All they knew is that mom wanted to spend extra time with them today.

Strangely, I couldn’t bring myself to take them outside for any reason. The iron grip of irrational fear of losing one of them somehow – to something or someone – kept the door locked tight all day long.

It never goes away, this missing you, this mourning my choices, mourning what could have been for us.